Shalyndra

I feel like I have nowhere I can safely vent anymore

I don't know which way is up

I'm not even sure what that word means anymore.

I'm surrounded by people most of the time and I'm so lonely. I keep losing outlets until I start seeing people as outlets instead of as people and then those people pull away.

Part of me feels like this is all a fundamental change in the new internet and part of me feels like this is just because I'm now in my mid 30's.

I've been trying to write a letter for a few days and it's overwhelming and I feel like I am letting a friend down who went out on a limb for me.

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ok so I paused writing this and wrote the letter. I hope that this still feels good in the morning. It is morning, oh.

I feel like such a robot.

My dog is so patient with me.

I think I've run out of words for the moment.

I had a bad trigger/flashback and talked to my dad about it. It went poorly. He meant well but said some shitty things and I think I regret opening up, but its too late now.

I am being infantalized in this house. Everything is just...paused. Except its not actually paused and my life is just wasting in front of me.

I know staying up all night doesnt make test results arrive any faster but

How are you? Fine, cant complain. Oh you know gosh I'm so busy these days. Maybe in a few weeks? Oh you're not on facebook? The new __ is great. Yeah maybe another time.

The amount and frequency of sleep my body needs right now is oppressive. Days are blurring together and its this constant sad state of feeling like i forgot something important. Timing wise im right in the window where i am prone to brain stuff. Hard to muster up enthusiasm right now.

So prednisone seems to mean I cant get back to sleep when I wake up after only 2 or 3 hours of sleep....for multiple days in a row. I cant wait to be off of this.

Lots of stuff percolating. Im emotionally exhausted too.

I watched the Lady Gaga documentary on netflix yesterday and....she reminds me so much of my first girlfriend I had to keep pausing it repeatedly to head off panic attacks. Without all the makeup they could be twins, in their faces and mannerisms. They even wore the same hat. She did love performance and was brutal to her body that way

A gal came to the door soliciting donations for her recovery program and we spent a short while talking about addiction and shitty lungs

I remember the joy and delight she brought to my life. I remember the terror and dissociation and confusion around all the alcohol. Why couldn't the parties just stop? My god the crowds. I want a relationship with a woman without an audience. I let her back into my life because she had been off meth for years and I thought, I guess I was oblivious and the drinking was a symptom not the main problem. I mean it's all symptoms right? But we had such beautiful conversations as adults and I could hear her grieving her childhood and it made it easier to forget the places she took me

All this stuff around Harvey Weinstein and the times I nearly got tricked into doing porn as a minor and the twitter boycott online and I can just see her face, walking into a crowd laughing and all the eyes on her glittering and I just see the lights go out behind her eyes.

I'm having big angry feelings about the backlash against the boycott too and am trying to process those feelings more privately. I will say that I think this stuff is about ALL women not just white women and if more white women are coming forward I think that is because the cost is much higher for POC and especially WOC and black women most of all. I think maybe a one day twitter boycott isn't 100% well thought out but I mean....how else do you actually protest twitter's handling of harassment? I'd love to see other platforms but in lieu of that, what else can people do? I can't physically go to most marches. I have spent the last few days not wanting to be more than a few feet from my breathing machine or the ability to call 911.

I keep coming back to her face, screaming at me for refusing to buy her another bottle of wine in the morning or the injustice of asking her to pay me back for her bar tab. I watched it all melt away. I remember being 16 face down in the sand in the dark and brushing it off and being told to do more shots and it was all fine, I was in love. I don't think I'll ever see her again. I can still listen to Lady Gaga sing.

I cannot relax here. Awake and anxious and I have to be up in one hour. I want to talk to people, or more accurately I want to sit next to a fire and listen and have a beer or tea and just spread out and kick the dirt or something. I don't want the sick to my stomach feeling of wondering if the walls are too thin to talk freely or if the door is going to open when Im in bed. I need sleep. I need some quiet, and a dose of reality you know just a little break from gaslighting and being pleasant. I need sleep

Typing from my phone so may have to keep this short. I...let myself get excited about cooking again amd Ive been abtuptly reminded why I stopped. I was interrupted so frequently it took me 2 hours to slice an onion and I had to give up on dinner. I got another speech about how im rude and taking up too much space. Was told id left a mess for weeks and i had to point out the FACT that it was groceries from yesterday that I was actively working on. Got a lecture about not cookong enough, wtf, and i pointed out the lecture issue plus the pain amd memory issues of my food being so far from the kitchen. When it takes 3 trips actoss the house to make eggs...sometimes I give up. It just feels like i am never going to be able to get free again. I dont see a path. Cant see what im typing so i guess ill stop here and see if this helps me sleep