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Shalyndra

January 2019

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I'm not sleeping well, too much stress and worry over things that are hard to put into words.

I want to scream until it is quiet so that I can breathe and exist and think.

I dont know where or what home is
Im not sure what I admire.

Alas I see this site is still malfunctioning on mobile so I guess thats all Im posting tonight.
Sep. 11th, 2018 11:09 pm

...

I feel like I have nowhere I can safely vent anymore

I don't know which way is up
Ever since I moved back to California, I've been grieving each change of season. It feels so wrong.
I'm watching time march forward, separated from the life I want. My dog gets older and I nervously check for her breath when she is asleep. Summer here is fire season, I enjoy a brief fall and then there's a hint of winter, a brief spring, these are punctuated by the mocking pool I can barely use anyway and watching my fermentation recipes fail, and then it's fire season but there's still not enough sun and heat to grow my plants. Sands fall and I get older, I pretend I'm a tree and immune to the time, that in two years time or ten maybe I will have the life I want and not the purgatory here. And yet I don't know if I will get to keep myself that I found so recently, will there be more lost years, or will it get better and then just stay hard like rotten fruit because I'm better but not well enough to thrive or even survive.

I need projects to stay sane and stay safely in my head, which isn't all that safe, really. I miss music so bitterly, some day I want a break from the screaming in my head to just blast some music and dance and make bad art. Maybe I'll just put the same song on repeat for a week and stretch a good moment and paint some things or screw up part of a house and then strategize about how to fix it.

i can't figure out people

then there's the cat I didn't choose throwing a wrench in things. I daydream about him and I grieving my dog together and that somehow that softens the blow of taking him many somewheres new while i figure this all out. sometimes i think that when she dies he and i will both just drift off to new lives
May. 8th, 2018 04:17 am

isolation

I'm not even sure what that word means anymore.

I'm surrounded by people most of the time and I'm so lonely. I keep losing outlets until I start seeing people as outlets instead of as people and then those people pull away.

Part of me feels like this is all a fundamental change in the new internet and part of me feels like this is just because I'm now in my mid 30's.

I've been trying to write a letter for a few days and it's overwhelming and I feel like I am letting a friend down who went out on a limb for me.

----

ok so I paused writing this and wrote the letter. I hope that this still feels good in the morning. It is morning, oh.

I feel like such a robot.

My dog is so patient with me.

I think I've run out of words for the moment.
Apr. 2nd, 2018 07:01 am

Cant sleep

Just need to get through this week. And then next. Should stop clenching my jaw so much but how the hell else am i supposed to bite my tongue? We will see if im invited to the funeral. Not sure if i want to be.
I had a bad trigger/flashback and talked to my dad about it. It went poorly. He meant well but said some shitty things and I think I regret opening up, but its too late now.

I am being infantalized in this house. Everything is just...paused. Except its not actually paused and my life is just wasting in front of me.
I'm way too tired to get all these thoughts out so I'll pick a few

Have been thinking about what kind of parent I would be. Some deep grief about learned sleep habits and emotional processing. What will it mean if my brother and I never have kids? What will I have to show for my life?

It feels like my heart is with my dog and I'm fading out of view.

So much screaming in my head.

Disability got approved for 3 more years. And maybe I should be more relieved, I mean I am relieved, but I am staring at the reality of having the value and utility of my life remeasured by strangers every 3 years and things like the fact that I can cook for myself used as evidence that I could somehow work full time in a commercial kitchen. All of this begging to make less than minimum wage, which is dehumanizing, but losing my healthcare would kill me real fast. How can I even begin to try to build the life I want when every smile, every good thing, is a mark against me?

I'm sitting on the cursed couch with my legs up again because I am paying for walking a few extra blocks maybe 3 days ago. Headphones on and rainbows on my heart and stonefaced looking at the wall.

sometimes I dream of walking to a coffee shop and talking to a stranger and living another life.
I know staying up all night doesnt make test results arrive any faster but
spent a few hours in dog ER today. we don't know what's wrong. I'm watching her snore and my heart is broken anyway


sometimes my heart is broken with each snore, every time she looks at me, every time she sighs

i want more time

i want to see her sprint from one end of a yard to another again, i want to see her swim and swim and throw up from too much swimming and swim again because she loves it so much

i don't evenknow if i want a house without her i dont know what i want at all

she's sighing, the subcutaneous fluids are mostly absorbed, she didn't like the needle in her back but she relaxed so quickly

they forgot to give me her meds so im goingto go early to get them but i have to crate her to do it and i cant bear to leave her alone right now
How are you? Fine, cant complain. Oh you know gosh I'm so busy these days. Maybe in a few weeks? Oh you're not on facebook? The new __ is great. Yeah maybe another time.
Screaming screaming screaming screaming

I am so lonely and isolated. I cant get out of my head. Im not sure i remember how

I wish i could make art. Find some way out
The amount and frequency of sleep my body needs right now is oppressive. Days are blurring together and its this constant sad state of feeling like i forgot something important. Timing wise im right in the window where i am prone to brain stuff. Hard to muster up enthusiasm right now.
I have spent so much of my life in empty rooms
Oct. 28th, 2017 04:39 am

...

So prednisone seems to mean I cant get back to sleep when I wake up after only 2 or 3 hours of sleep....for multiple days in a row. I cant wait to be off of this.

Lots of stuff percolating. Im emotionally exhausted too.
Oct. 23rd, 2017 06:27 am

Huh.

I'm not sure but I think this might be the longest I've been single since I strted dating.
Oct. 13th, 2017 06:19 pm

lady gaga

I watched the Lady Gaga documentary on netflix yesterday and....she reminds me so much of my first girlfriend I had to keep pausing it repeatedly to head off panic attacks. Without all the makeup they could be twins, in their faces and mannerisms. They even wore the same hat. She did love performance and was brutal to her body that way

A gal came to the door soliciting donations for her recovery program and we spent a short while talking about addiction and shitty lungs

I remember the joy and delight she brought to my life. I remember the terror and dissociation and confusion around all the alcohol. Why couldn't the parties just stop? My god the crowds. I want a relationship with a woman without an audience. I let her back into my life because she had been off meth for years and I thought, I guess I was oblivious and the drinking was a symptom not the main problem. I mean it's all symptoms right? But we had such beautiful conversations as adults and I could hear her grieving her childhood and it made it easier to forget the places she took me

All this stuff around Harvey Weinstein and the times I nearly got tricked into doing porn as a minor and the twitter boycott online and I can just see her face, walking into a crowd laughing and all the eyes on her glittering and I just see the lights go out behind her eyes.

I'm having big angry feelings about the backlash against the boycott too and am trying to process those feelings more privately. I will say that I think this stuff is about ALL women not just white women and if more white women are coming forward I think that is because the cost is much higher for POC and especially WOC and black women most of all. I think maybe a one day twitter boycott isn't 100% well thought out but I mean....how else do you actually protest twitter's handling of harassment? I'd love to see other platforms but in lieu of that, what else can people do? I can't physically go to most marches. I have spent the last few days not wanting to be more than a few feet from my breathing machine or the ability to call 911.

I keep coming back to her face, screaming at me for refusing to buy her another bottle of wine in the morning or the injustice of asking her to pay me back for her bar tab. I watched it all melt away. I remember being 16 face down in the sand in the dark and brushing it off and being told to do more shots and it was all fine, I was in love. I don't think I'll ever see her again. I can still listen to Lady Gaga sing.
Oct. 7th, 2017 12:47 am

Goddamnit

I am so tired of the running commentary on my spending. A short grocery list turned into 5 hours of shopping because I was guilted into going to two more "cheaper" stores and I am in so much pain. No more time to cook today. Then I got lectured on how Im cooking too much and why is x too expensive for me if Im buying y and then i got yelled at because my parents double booked themselves on a day they were going to drive me to a social thing and its just a fucking mess and part of me feels five and the rest of me feels empty and like i want to just find any way to shut off my brain in a dark empty room for a day or a week. Have to smile placidly or else. Cry then shut it off. I want to live alone and be able to leave whenever I want.
I cannot relax here. Awake and anxious and I have to be up in one hour. I want to talk to people, or more accurately I want to sit next to a fire and listen and have a beer or tea and just spread out and kick the dirt or something. I don't want the sick to my stomach feeling of wondering if the walls are too thin to talk freely or if the door is going to open when Im in bed. I need sleep. I need some quiet, and a dose of reality you know just a little break from gaslighting and being pleasant. I need sleep
Sep. 28th, 2017 07:26 am

Oh.

I am so not ready to date again yet.

Been thinking a lot about my most recent ex lately. Still feels weird and wrong to say that. So much resentment at the moment. When did he decide he didn't want a life with me anymore? Has he even realized that he decided that? Wondering how his family is doing and the surreal realization that I wont see thwm for the holidays again. Is he going to get any closer to his goals or will he just...let them go like he did with me.

I havr got to get out of here. Going to try to get back to sleep.
Typing from my phone so may have to keep this short. I...let myself get excited about cooking again amd Ive been abtuptly reminded why I stopped. I was interrupted so frequently it took me 2 hours to slice an onion and I had to give up on dinner. I got another speech about how im rude and taking up too much space. Was told id left a mess for weeks and i had to point out the FACT that it was groceries from yesterday that I was actively working on. Got a lecture about not cookong enough, wtf, and i pointed out the lecture issue plus the pain amd memory issues of my food being so far from the kitchen. When it takes 3 trips actoss the house to make eggs...sometimes I give up. It just feels like i am never going to be able to get free again. I dont see a path. Cant see what im typing so i guess ill stop here and see if this helps me sleep
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