Shalyndra

i feel so lost today

i know i should stop grinding my teeth and listening to the silence and my empty stomach

i'm angry at my brain and my memory. somedays you stare through the glass at a robot of yourself living the life you dont want, but that's all there is for you

today's been a nauseating spending spree and judgement about money and time
nothing matters
i cant even help people and im just listening to myself talk at the wall and laughing at my own jokes

at least its past 6 am with the sun coming up and i remember again that music exists

i want to scream and scream and scream until i lose my voice because i dont have anything to say anyway

I miss my books.

I hate being in this place of being desperately lonely and fiercely antisocial. Antisocial is the wrong word? Everyone is feeling unsafe and untrustworthy right now. Keeping this short because the input box is still malfunctioning on my phone. I want to hear the ocean and garden. Its wrong to live in this brutal place and be away from the water so long.

I broke up with Jonno last week. I am uncertain how much I want to write about it online. I am keenly aware that I can't unsay things. I will say that I am devastated and I am hurting. I have been alternating between sad and angry and numb and so many things. Today numb seems to be winning.


Even with my warnings that I was thinking of moving and with the recent trip to NY, I am finding that I was still hoping that he would join me and looking at properties with that hope, subconsciously I guess.

What kind of gardening do I want to do if I am alone with my fickle health? Do I still want chickens? How the hell am I going to get out there, and where is there?

I am positively lost in the logistics. In a perfect world moving would be cheaper and apartments would be dog and breed friendly. I'd move to NY and rent for a year maybe on a month to month lease and see if I fall in love with it, see if I can build community there and find neighborhoods I like and see if it could fill the hole in my heart left by Tennessee and Jonno. I'd have a car, a hatchback than can barely hold my dog and a dwarf tree, and Amtrak would allow dogs in the cabins and I'd take the train with Brandy and Simon down to Knoxville and visit. I'd get my toes in some water and have some good tea and listen to bugs in the summertime. and maybe I'd settle back in the south after all.

Tennessee still sounds like home to me but the political stuff happening right now is terrifying. I don't want to die.

I emailed pitbull rescues in several cities asking for recommendations on friendly rentals so I could have a homebase for house shopping. I've reached out to friends for advice on rooms for rent. I've asked realtors. No luck so far. As I understand my alternatives are camping, an RV I don't have, weekly rentals at Motel6? Is there something I am missing? My folks keep suggesting flying out to put offers on houses. But the market out east is so so different- even if I am certain of the area I want, which I am not, there are no guarantees a house I like will still be there by the time I arrive, the supply of accessible houses is low, and home inspections turn up so much more stuff on houses built in the 20s than houses built in the 70's.
Weather gets serious; most winterized homes I have seen in my price range are full of mold. its complicated.