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shalyndraI watched the Lady Gaga documentary on netflix yesterday and....she reminds me so much of my first girlfriend I had to keep pausing it repeatedly to head off panic attacks. Without all the makeup they could be twins, in their faces and mannerisms. They even wore the same hat. She did love performance and was brutal to her body that way
A gal came to the door soliciting donations for her recovery program and we spent a short while talking about addiction and shitty lungs
I remember the joy and delight she brought to my life. I remember the terror and dissociation and confusion around all the alcohol. Why couldn't the parties just stop? My god the crowds. I want a relationship with a woman without an audience. I let her back into my life because she had been off meth for years and I thought, I guess I was oblivious and the drinking was a symptom not the main problem. I mean it's all symptoms right? But we had such beautiful conversations as adults and I could hear her grieving her childhood and it made it easier to forget the places she took me
All this stuff around Harvey Weinstein and the times I nearly got tricked into doing porn as a minor and the twitter boycott online and I can just see her face, walking into a crowd laughing and all the eyes on her glittering and I just see the lights go out behind her eyes.
I'm having big angry feelings about the backlash against the boycott too and am trying to process those feelings more privately. I will say that I think this stuff is about ALL women not just white women and if more white women are coming forward I think that is because the cost is much higher for POC and especially WOC and black women most of all. I think maybe a one day twitter boycott isn't 100% well thought out but I mean....how else do you actually protest twitter's handling of harassment? I'd love to see other platforms but in lieu of that, what else can people do? I can't physically go to most marches. I have spent the last few days not wanting to be more than a few feet from my breathing machine or the ability to call 911.
I keep coming back to her face, screaming at me for refusing to buy her another bottle of wine in the morning or the injustice of asking her to pay me back for her bar tab. I watched it all melt away. I remember being 16 face down in the sand in the dark and brushing it off and being told to do more shots and it was all fine, I was in love. I don't think I'll ever see her again. I can still listen to Lady Gaga sing.
A gal came to the door soliciting donations for her recovery program and we spent a short while talking about addiction and shitty lungs
I remember the joy and delight she brought to my life. I remember the terror and dissociation and confusion around all the alcohol. Why couldn't the parties just stop? My god the crowds. I want a relationship with a woman without an audience. I let her back into my life because she had been off meth for years and I thought, I guess I was oblivious and the drinking was a symptom not the main problem. I mean it's all symptoms right? But we had such beautiful conversations as adults and I could hear her grieving her childhood and it made it easier to forget the places she took me
All this stuff around Harvey Weinstein and the times I nearly got tricked into doing porn as a minor and the twitter boycott online and I can just see her face, walking into a crowd laughing and all the eyes on her glittering and I just see the lights go out behind her eyes.
I'm having big angry feelings about the backlash against the boycott too and am trying to process those feelings more privately. I will say that I think this stuff is about ALL women not just white women and if more white women are coming forward I think that is because the cost is much higher for POC and especially WOC and black women most of all. I think maybe a one day twitter boycott isn't 100% well thought out but I mean....how else do you actually protest twitter's handling of harassment? I'd love to see other platforms but in lieu of that, what else can people do? I can't physically go to most marches. I have spent the last few days not wanting to be more than a few feet from my breathing machine or the ability to call 911.
I keep coming back to her face, screaming at me for refusing to buy her another bottle of wine in the morning or the injustice of asking her to pay me back for her bar tab. I watched it all melt away. I remember being 16 face down in the sand in the dark and brushing it off and being told to do more shots and it was all fine, I was in love. I don't think I'll ever see her again. I can still listen to Lady Gaga sing.