children and legacies

I'm way too tired to get all these thoughts out so I'll pick a few

Have been thinking about what kind of parent I would be. Some deep grief about learned sleep habits and emotional processing. What will it mean if my brother and I never have kids? What will I have to show for my life?

It feels like my heart is with my dog and I'm fading out of view.

So much screaming in my head.

Disability got approved for 3 more years. And maybe I should be more relieved, I mean I am relieved, but I am staring at the reality of having the value and utility of my life remeasured by strangers every 3 years and things like the fact that I can cook for myself used as evidence that I could somehow work full time in a commercial kitchen. All of this begging to make less than minimum wage, which is dehumanizing, but losing my healthcare would kill me real fast. How can I even begin to try to build the life I want when every smile, every good thing, is a mark against me?

I'm sitting on the cursed couch with my legs up again because I am paying for walking a few extra blocks maybe 3 days ago. Headphones on and rainbows on my heart and stonefaced looking at the wall.

sometimes I dream of walking to a coffee shop and talking to a stranger and living another life.